Licentiousness

li·cen·tious
adj.
1. Lacking moral discipline or ignoring legal restraint.
2. Having no regard for accepted rules or standards.

Perspective. I've already ranted about this. Patience, timing, flexibility, change... they're all such disastrous words.

Have you ever noticed how blunt and unhappy the word 'excited' sounds? It's just so... I don't know. But it certainly is undeserving of its definition. Despite this tragedy, I'm pretty sure 'excited' sums up my emotions quite well right now.

My older brother, Mr. I'm-good-at-everything-*and*-good-looking-to-boot, spent a few hours with me, today. I don't usually enjoy conversations with my brother until after they're finished and I see the wisdom in his eloquent words. Today was different.

Actually, today was exactly the same as any other day, which is pretty stupendous, seeing as how yesterday I ate more gluten in the span of a few hours than the sum of my entire life's splurges put together. But if you think that'd be enough to knock some sense into me, you obviously either don't know me or... yeah, that's about it.

So, I'm just going to make a list of all the happy things I have to say. Because it'd probably take a few decades if I did it any other way.

First off, I spent several days (or maybe it was a few more) having more fun than is healthy for any human in my condition. After which I didn't crash (unless tripping on the grass and sprawling on my face counts) or have any fits of unlucidness.

During this time I got a pretty fantastic email, announcing my acceptance into school number 2. The day after, I got confirmation about spending the second half of my summer overseas.

A few days after that, and with the help and encouragement of some pretty cool people, I got my support letter stamped and mailed. Sometime during this processes I woke up one morning and realized I was old. It was a good morning, though.

Then, I hung out with my family and laughed at my brothers wearing square hats and weird black dresses. Also, helping my sister-in-law cut off her husband's hair in the bathtub. That was quite a bit of fun, I must admit.

Then, after much patience (cough) on my side, my father made his decision about the first half of my summer. After which, one of my amazing aunts is making it possible for my plane ticket to be purchased in advanced.

Sometimes, things happen that I do not appreciate. Other time, other things happen that I do. And sometimes in between, there are things I can say nothing about, for they leave me speechless.

My memory plays tricks on me. I fall asleep and dream, wake up and I'm still dreaming. I hear things in the darkness but the light blinds me before I can answer. Feel fingertips brushing at my hair and awake to a silence so thick it chokes me back down into a bottomless, endless slumber. I hear the screams of the tortured, the gnashing of teeth down in hell. My sheet, they lay about me soaked and twisted in sweat -blood. I will not surrender. I will never surrender to this madness. But the insanity... oh, the insanity, it has already taken me alive.