Orbit of Omniscience

2010 is gone now. It didn't go out with a bang, or a whistle, or a blast of color. It slipped silently away, the last few hours of an entire years worth of memories, tears, laughter, and pain. The year twenty-ten ended with me laying on my oldest brother's kitchen floor in the middle of New York, sobbing my heart out to an empty and devastatingly silent ceiling.

It didn't revolutionize my life, this completely involuntary display of anguish and despair. I didn't get any grand epiphanies or a flourish of visions for the future. I simply laid there, for almost 2 hours, expressing my pain to a living, breathing God. And then I dried my tears, got up, and proceeded to find a book to occupy myself with until my brother returned.

Pointless (and slightly dramatic) way to end a year? No. It was in the desperation of those sobs, in the heart-wrenching cries for help, that I discovered the most important aspect of existence anyone can ever uncover.

It was when I admitted to myself that I had no earthly reason to continue living that I was able to most firmly grasp the only reason I ever will. When I am left so completely alone, when no human being could possible reach through the fog of my existence and lend me a helping hand, when every ounce of purpose I ever clung to has been completely erased... I can still get up off the floor, dry my tears, and continue on. Because my life does not revolve around earthly reasons.

I force myself out of bed each morning because I have a real reason to go on living. A reason that surpasses pain, human reasoning, and gut-wrenching loneliness. I welcomed in a new year with the affirmation that I did pass the test. That it's not how hard you fall, or how long you spend on your brother's kitchen floor. It's getting back up again when logic runs out.

Because I don't serve a God of reason and logic. And when He asked me if I'd give Him everything, He didn't mean almost everything. But mostly, it's because when I said yes, I didn't mean maybe. And when He said He'd never leave me or forsake me, He didn't mean maybe, either.

He meant never.