Well. I did it. Again.Isn't there supposed to be some sort of epic feeling that wells up inside of me and blacks out all of these other not-so-hot emotions?
I guess the tricky thing about NaNo is that it's supposed to push you to lengths you never thought you'd be able to reach. I think, my dears, it's time for me to move on to something a little less psychotic, and a little more challenging. Like selling Tupperware. Or learning a foreign language.
Or maybe the little place inside of me where sane emotions are kept has been sealed off for a little while because someone very... very near to my heart has forgotten who I am. Do you know the feeling? When you're walking along one day and you think everything's going okay. And then you blink, and it's all over.
The girl at the desk who signed my College Clearance Form had an engagement ring on her finger. It was beautiful. It made me feel like weeping, it was so beautiful. Is this what happens to us? We live our lives, almost floating through each day, and the years pass so silently we almost forget they're gone. And then we wake up, or we're dropped on our heads, and we realize everything we've missed.
I don't mean to sound like a suicidal 15 year old. It's just shocking, to wake up one morning and realize that where you stand in life is not the place you thought you would when you looked into your future as that depressed 15 year old. You saw grandeur and laughter and friends that had your back. College and maybe a cute guy who's obsessed with your eyes. Life.
But that's not really what it comes down to, is it? When you really get down to reality, when you stare in the mirror at the person you are, you realize tomorrow never really came. You're still stuck in today, waiting for whatever dreams you have to materialize before you. I guess that's what I learned this month, writing NaNo each day, reaching that 1667 words every night before I went to bed even if it killed me. I suppose it comes when you stop fixing your hair in the mirror and start looking at the person staring back at you. It changes things.
Funerals and weddings and doctor's appointments and immigration offices. Life is so beautiful and so gloriously hard. Did you notice that when you woke up this morning? Or were you too busy analyzing the bags under your weary eyes?
Wake up and notice that it's raining outside. Longfellow had it right, I think. But that doesn't mean you stop waiting for the sun to come out. Go play in a rain puddle, my loves. Go sledding in the snow. Walk through a mud field. Run while you can.
Run through life, people. Run until your heart breaks.
